*** My life

I wrote,

I made it into a book,

and I am spreading the books myself.

Aged 45, my standing is a minister/publisher/writer who is a seriously ill diabetic patient who has had insulin shot for 28 years. I was in the process of almost dying thoroughly for 2 years after taking RH-787 rat poison at 1977. Up until now, I have been afflicted with hundreds of relevant pathological phenomena...and plus the complications that any other diabetic patients might be suffering from.

And now that 28 years has passed since RH-787 poison taken, even Parkinson's disease has been developed to a certain degree because of another aftereffect that RH-787 poison has brought.

Even compared with other seriously ill diabetic patients, I have been living so hard because of the heart condition in which I could hardly adapt to anything relevant to 'heat' or 'hot temperature' such as sunlight/summer weather/steam/hot air/...during the life time due to the aftereffect since an attempt to kill myself by taking RH-787 poison.

Furthermore, I have to struggle against as far as 'various kinds of light' these days because of starting to be even allergic to light since 1990, according to the "present progressive form," the biggest characteristic of diabetes. And I am also suffering from hypersensitiveness to 'color.'  Considering I am called professional in dancing, however, this fact is so paradoxical. Yet, one of my life characteristics is to put an absurd story into practice, to show it through the body, and to make it into life.

Like I wrote in the 1st volume's greetings, I would like to put another importance on the words, 'life can be broadened to any amount, according to how you interpret the life.'

'Meaning of Book Publication'

*** Fall 1977,

My age then 17 (Born at 1960)

For more than 2 years after attempting to kill myself through RH-787(rat poison) of uncommon high toxicity that the authorities concerned gave to each home in the farm villages as a way of Kill-Rats Campaign at the time, I was going more and more to death slowly and miserably and thoroughly in an awkward condition either without living or without dying within the room.

The RH-787 that I chose to kill myself November 1977 had a characteristic far different from any other kinds of rat poison. The peculiarity of RH-787 is that 'it makes the poison-eater’s body itself dying slowly and thoroughly as time goes by.' It was a rare and uncommon rat poison carrying the attribute unique only to RH-787.

 If it is any other rat poisons that you might took and survive without dying, then later you have a better chance of your body to be restored. Different from other rat poisons and agricultural chemicals, however, this rat poison labeled RH-787 was a rare rat poison carrying the following attribute that, even if you might had survived at the time of taking poison, it made you die miserably by ruining all the functions of your body step by step as time goes by.

Due to the developed property of RH-787 after attempt to kill myself, I too was treated in the hospital at first. For 2-3 months after being discharged, I thought I'd be restored if only I try - even if I might not worry about the later days. Actually, for about 1 or 2 months, my physical condition was not too bad.

But starting from a few months after leaving hospital, my body turned into the body that had to lie on the bed even when I ate meals.

Text P.9 ‘Life with Feeling'

*** Again, my story shall go back to 1978.

Because my sisters thought strange of my body devastating enough not to sit up even at a moment at April 1978, they brought me to the hospital that I had been in at fall 1977 again for the last time.

My weight was 40kg in my memory at the time.

My height is 178 or 180cm. (So far, I have thought I was 178cm. But on the checkup at winter 2003, it was 179cm. Compared with the young lads who claims themselves to be 178cm, I measures 2cm higher than them.)

On the day, the sisters had to hear from the doctor that "Now, there is no hope" already in 6 months after I took RH-787 poison.

 Since April 1778, my body grew more and more bony and destroyed.

My body shape at summer 1973 was, my face got swollen more yellowishly than wax, because with my unmovable body I had to keep lying on the bed gasping for breath by hanging only onto the electric fan for 24 hours each day all that burning hot summer like a steam booth1978, with a skinny skeletal body like African people who had been dying of starvation.

It left me with a bone skinny body and a big swollen face settled down upon the bone....

It was not until then that I knew man has his body become like a ‘mantis’ in proportion as one gets skinnier and skinnier.

This image is ‘my self-portrait of summer 1978.’

Text P. 27-28  ‘Life with Feeling'

*** In April that others express as ‘mild’weather, whenever I feel deeper oppression because I have my body fevered and my blood heated and my heart shocked if my body gets exposed to just a little more sunlight and if my body moves just a little farther than usual, in that case even if there may be any kindness from others, any good house, any attentiveness from parents and siblings.., I don’t need as any other such as such at that moment.

Rather, all you need at the moment is only ‘mildly-cool water’ in which you can keep your body until your heart becomes secure. But in order to do this, you have to continue to dip your body in the bathtub in the bathroom or even in the kitchen in such unclothedness as you please.

If there is any who has lived without perishing in those days out of all RH-787 poison eaters and who has lived in the similar body condition to mine, they might naturally have needed these conditions of life in order to prolong their hard lives any longer. Yet even this desperate act that RH-787 eaters chose to do for survival might have been looked upon as an ‘act of a crazy nut’ if their circumstances fell short of this condition.

For RH-787 poison eaters or the souls who died in long unreasonably painful suffering of their later lives due to type 1 diabetes and any kind of complications, this kind of book, a ‘book as bitter as gall’ written by somebody like this uncommon and queer minister guy should have been published 10 or 20 years ago and its con

At least, that’s what I think.

Text P.59 ‘Life with Feeling'

*** The over-all society between mid 70ies and late 70ies in Korea was too different from nowadays.

Take a residential matter for one example, studio-type apartments (called officetel or one room in Korean) that we now often see is but a residential culture that appeared much later.

The late 70ies is no earlier than 25~30 years ago. But the late 70ies was the times when there were few spaces where one could live alone. Even if you might have gotten a self-boarding room with a kitchen with the help of your family, it was the times in which you must have had to boil water depending on a briquette fire pot or an oil stove.

Until mid-or-late 70ies, they mostly depended on Yeontan, or coal briquette, while nowadays most houses’ heating depends on oil or gas boiler. I am able to stabilize my heart within faster time because I could get warm water easily in the oil or gas boiler, while it took tens of minutes to get water heated on a briquette fire pot.

Beyond this living condition, or apart from parents’ mixed feelings of love and hatred towards their child who attempted killing oneself with poison in front of parents, yet how many parents would there have been who would be ready to comply with going-away-from-home opinion of their child whose living looked perilous due to the ill body, and who would have bought a monthly payment room or deposit-money-based house for that son...? This would have been the reality that RH-787 poison eaters were faced with.

Though to be mentioned later, I have endured each tiring summer painfully every year since August 1979 in the following places, that is, in the coolest area within the Seonggyungwan University Suwon Yuljeon campus March ’82.’83, in a temple at Taebaek of Gangwon Province May ’84.’85, in a church ’86, in a billiards ’87, again in a temple at Taebaek of Gangwon Province ’88.’89, in a church ’90, and alone since spring ’91.

I know this history of my life is not the ‘privilege’ applicable to every RH-787 poison eater.

For the poison eaters who have as far as their hearts ruined by taking RH-787, it itself is a great ‘privilege’ that one can live at least in such living condition as mine where hot temperature can be avoided.

If they had fallen short of this living condition, or if RH-787 eaters are supposed to have suffered due to such symptoms as mine, they could have gotten away from themselves and from their own neighbors only by being crazy without being able to be dying reasonably ‘even in dying process’ because they have such horrible bodies. At this opportunity, though it might be too late, I would like to tell that fact to the flesh and blood of RH-787 poison eaters.

By virtue of the odd symptoms that were not understandable to others, this minister Yeom Sangmyeong - who calls himself ‘Wailing Freeman’ - as late as now speaks ‘how serious the life of RH-787 eaters has been’ in ‘living without perishing’ in place of the suffers who had to die in traumatizing not only themselves but also their family members, and in place of those who had earlier died in painful suffering desperately and miserably, because they had the aftereffect of RH-787 poison.

Text P.60-62  ‘Life with Feeling'

*** The life achieved in the middle of the hope to have disconnected, or in the hope less than 1% - this, Christianity calls ‘miracle’ or ‘salvation.’

If this theological term or idea is considered in relation to my life, I would like to say myself that how I began to survive through religious experience in dying sorrowfully in 2 years after taking rat poison is indeed a miracle, and how I passed college entrance qualification exam in 70 days with this awkward body and how I entered Seonggyungwan University Landscape Department by studying for about 110 days is a miracle too.

Even now if I only keep reading or writing as long as an hour, I have my eyes hurt, blurred, reddish and as far as swollen. Especially the computer screen makes my eyes swollen even before in 30 minutes, whereas I am writing even this book.

Not only for others but also for me, a miracle is not far away. I would say, the past uncommon life I had, the tiring process I have to live struggling, or the present life I am trying vehemently, these kind of life itself is a ‘miraculous life’ that is attained in a ‘state beyond the line of common sense.’  

Up until here, there were so many times when I would find myself troubled, bored, irritated, spiteful or crazily-shouting if I look at mere a day, mere a month or mere a year. Without stopping there, living itself was so skeptical that there were also many times that I wanted to give up my entire life itself.

But looking at 30 years later from now at this point of 45, I am only thankful that I have continued to persist in my life even in the middle of many-sided living and experiences, and that I am living on carrying that out.

9

I think ‘faith’ is ‘struggling not to let go of the rope of hope’ where there seems to be no hope.

If I as a minister add one to this above,

‘by reason of Jehovah!’

‘because of Jehovah!’

I would like to say, it is faith, prayer, belief and patience when hope being conceived, when one looking up to the hope and when one continuing to achieve the hope, and it is human salvation and God’s working when one is in the process of holding on firmly to the hope and when in the state of having held it firmly.

When so-long-awaited hope is achieved, the shouting toward God is thanks and praise.

That shouting, that thanks, that praise, I would only like to feel with the whole body.

Still, I am trying to.

Text P.146-149 'Words can become a seed'